Open the Castle Doors
If there’s been anything in abundance lately, it’s been personal time. Once upon a time, I would’ve bemoaned my lack of free time because I would fill each day with different, exciting activities. Now, my life is an endless cycle of exercise, work, eat, personal time, and sleep. Longstanding friendships boiled down to occasional Zoom calls and text check-ins, contact with the outside world reduced to supermarket runs and social media lurking, fun adventures minimized to old pictures, and the four corners of whatever screen I'd stare at. This left me with much time to think and reflect, for better or worse, and for my thoughts to overwhelm me more than I would like.
During this quarantine, I belatedly noticed I struggled due to my lack of social interaction. Walls built from mistrust and past hurts fortified internally without me realizing, and my seeds of doubt grew to an enormous forest, surrounding my castle with a canopy of darkness and thorny vines entrapping the walls surrounding my heart. I felt less like a working adult and friend and instead more like a loner, scared child hiding in his self-made fort. My thoughts preyed on my weaknesses and regrets over the years and my fears for the future. Where I normally would’ve turned to my community and friends, I no longer felt comfortable reaching out due to distance and lack of communication lately. To me, why would I trouble them with my issues when they were dealing with their issues during this insane year? And when I did get to catch up with loved ones, why would I talk about depressing topics when I wanted to savor the moments of joy our interactions? Most devastatingly of all, these self-imposed walls unknowingly created a barrier between myself and God, instead of driving me to focus on my self-reliant mentality where I “needed” to take everything on myself, that it was me against the world in my fortified castle.
Deep down, I desired to trust, to have a sounding board, to have a community to reach out to, to not think of myself as crazy. But with most of my thoughts not having an outlet, I became self-centered, stubborn, trapped in my corner. I didn’t want to let anyone in, keeping everything curt and surface level, while waddling in a mire of my creation. I felt alone, and in a sick sense, I wanted to be alone. I could keep a smile in front of my parents or through work, but as soon as I was alone, I would dwell, overthink, and subsequently hate myself or it. A vicious cycle, to say the least.
But amid all this woe-is-me mentality, I forgot an important fact. God’s always waiting for me. He waits for me outside of the door of my castle, a door He cannot open alone. But if my fists are clenched in a fight against myself, my hands would not be free to open the door.
A dear friend asked me a question I was afraid to ask myself. What would I say if I could see myself from the outside? Especially through God’s eyes? Or take it a step further. What would God say to me? I would think I’d be gentle with myself, maybe chuckle a little at my stubbornness, and reach out with an open hand, sit, and listen. God would take it even further, wrapping me up in a warm hug, taking on my worries and struggles as His own even if I pushed Him away. He would remind me, with the most patient eyes and loving heart, that I am never alone, and I don’t “need” to do everything myself. I have always been a part of a community, one built on and connected through Him. God is more than willing to be a sounding board. He is a brother, father, friend, protector, and more wrapped up in one holy gift. As a bonus, He even arrives faster than any Amazon package too; no app required, just an open heart and a little prayer.
As the quarantine and social distancing guidelines continue, I know it'll be easy to fall in the same trap once again. Now, more than ever, my virtues and vices matter, pulling me closer or away from God, respectively. Like how my castle wasn’t built in a day, but over a lifetime, so do my relationships with God and others. Lately, I’ve been working on building small habits. From taking a few moments each morning in bed to breathe, be with God, thank Him, and ask Him to journey with me throughout the day, to spending a few minutes at the end of the day to journal and reflect in an awareness examen with God. If the time and weather permits, I step outside of my four walls for fresh air, and to be in nature, a setting I find God easiest.
Most importantly, though, I remind myself to be gentle. Allow myself to stumble, make mistakes, and not beat myself up over every little thing. It takes time for these habits to develop. We're not perfect, nor does anyone expect us to be, and that's okay because we're not alone. If we slowly work at opening our doors to God, He will always be ready to respond and enter.
When I’m feeling particularly lost, I listen to “You Are For Me” by Kari Jobe. It’s a little old, and to some, may be a little simple. But it reminds me that God is with me.
“I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are”