FARING IN FEAR
After reading today’s readings, I had this flashback:
“I am so scared.”
I feigned confidence when a suffering loved one, in an unexpected moment of vulnerability, confessed that. All I saw in their face was fear.
Firmly holding their hands, I responded, “I know. I’m here.” My heart sank to my stomach - both churned. The truth was: I was scared too.
Like Jeremiah, I’ve had moments of gut-wrenching fear related to suffering caused by those “who were my friends” (and, sometimes, family). For me, the severed relationship is what caused the most fear. My thoughts would quickly spiral to, “if even they can do this to me, I’m not safe anywhere or with anyone.” Even remembering those moments causes a bodily response that I would rather not feel ever again. Jeremiah feared and cried out to God. The distressed psalmist did so similarly. Did Jesus’ feel fear (of being arrested and stoned to death by the same crowds who had been accompanying him) during his “escape” to Jordan?
Admittedly, in my moments of fear, I go into a primal “survival mode” (this is a well-researched and expected human neurological and anatomical response to stress - actual or perceived). Most of all, I’ve lost compassion. I forgive myself for those times and work to respond better next time. I’ll fear again. I’ll feel the fear of others again too. I don’t know what it will be or who will be involved. I just hope that I hear in my despair, “I know. I’m here.” May that help quell my fear or make me brave.
Loving God, in moments of fear, what will you tell me? May I know you carry my fear with me and remain with me still. In times when others fear, may you give me the grace to do the same.
Vivian Valencia