FROM HEAD TO HEART
In reflecting on the First Reading initially, I struggled with it and did not understand fully why. The prophet Hosea tells us:
“Come, let us return to the LORD, it is he who has rent, but he will heal us; he has struck us, but he will bind our wounds.”
So, wait a minute…God tests us and then heals us? Next, he goes on to say:
“He will revive us after two days; on the third day he will raise us up, to live in his presence.”
Hold up…God waits while we suffer and then swoops in to save us and bring us close to Him?
In reading this passage, I felt challenged by the idea that God causes bad things to happen and then decides when to save us. While I understood that I found the passage challenging because of this idea, I sensed there was a deeper reason why I struggled with it. I spent the next few weeks sifting through my most recent life moments and found myself returning to grief.
The last few years have not only revolved around the pandemic, but also by unexpected and repeated loss, hurt, and isolation. Before the pandemic, I discerned, trusted God, had said “yes” to family life and a new direction as an educator with more responsibility. In the pandemic, I lost three pregnancies, I experienced a challenging relationship with a member of the clergy, and I was isolated from loved ones, my support system, for an extended period of time. During this time of grief, hurt, and stress, my intellect, will, and numbing formed my shield against feeling it all and anything more. Also, it created an opening for misunderstandings about God’s nature to take root and intertwine with my grief. “Why did God ask me to do things that hurt me?”
As I reflected longer on this scripture, I am invited to continue letting go of these misunderstandings about God. Unbeknownst to me, it has been clearing my mind and heart to be drawn closer to Him for both deeper healing and joy. Spiritual direction and Fr. Richard Leonard’s book, Where the Hell is God, have helped me with this journey from head to heart. Fr. Richard shares that God does not directly make bad things happen and that He is right there crying with us in our deepest sorrows. Also, he reminds us of practicing gratitude as part of the journey. The joy of my daughter’s birth this last summer is a major source of grace that I am blessed to encounter daily. With continued support and gratitude, my hope is to put down my shield, let go of needing to know why certain life events happen, and let God’s love take deeper root once more.
Are there any difficult life experiences that have been challenging your understanding of who you think God is? Have you brought this to prayer? If this is difficult to bring to prayer, are there any people who can accompany you in your journey from head to heart?
Karisa Avalos