CHOOSING TO BE SAVED
Unlike most of my Lenten journeys thus far, this year seems to be more difficult for me as I learn to overcome the current challenges in my life. I approached this Lenten season feeling hopeful and confident that I will be able to uphold my Lenten promises- fasting from bitterness and resentment towards myself and others. As I was reminded this past Laetare Sunday that Lent is coming to an end, I found that I have been falling short on standing in solidarity with Christ. I found myself in a fog most days, troubled by my anxiety and depression. Consequently, it has been difficult to be present with my faith, my community, and myself. The guilt made it harder to want to forgive myself in order to get back up and stand with Christ.
However, in today’s Gospel, I am reminded that I have a choice. I imagined being in the crowd of Jews, listening to Jesus as he reminds us that he is here on behalf of God to grant us salvation. I asked myself, “Why do I always give into the lesser opinion of myself, rather than looking at myself through the eyes of God? Why do I feel that I am unworthy of being saved?” By denying myself that grace, I was denying Christ’s love for me.
After much contemplation and confession, I realized I have been so consumed by my mental health problems and distracted by having to keep up with my Lenten promise with no room for mistakes that I have forgotten how to choose love. It’s not to say that my mental health problems were magically solved, but choosing love was the first step in being able to want to take that next step. I realized that the desire to give into shame was strong, but the invitation to choose love is stronger.
Thank you Jesus, for reminding me that I am worthy of being loved and saved by You. Help me to be more kind to myself and to trust that by choosing love, I will be drawn closer to You and to those around me.
Jackelyn Ho
Photo credit: Spencicle