SUBTLE SHIFTS
“Where I am going, you cannot follow me now…” – John 13:33
As I enter into Holy Week and I reflect on my Lenten experience, I recognize that for me this wasn’t a journey for the history books. Instead, it was subtle, challenging at times, and not at others. But I did notice something small stirring. A little movement. A slight change in perspective.
Perhaps for me, this small movement is just what I needed. Typically, I desire a prayerful experience or Lenten journey that is dramatic and “life changing”. However, I have recognized that I can subconsciously cling to these “life changing” experiences of God, instead of God himself. Like the disciples in the Gospel today, I tend to fear being without an obvious presence or experience of God along the way. I’m afraid of Jesus leaving, immediately calling into question if God is with me and loves me.
This reminds me of my best friend. She and I lived together for about 10 years after college. I had always dreaded and feared the day we would no longer be housemates worried that our friendship would flounder as a result. When she moved out 4 years ago it was admittedly hard and a big shift. But today our friendship, though perhaps more physically distant, is stronger than ever. Sure, we don’t stay up late philosophizing much anymore, but we cherish the time we do have together and we have a deep trust knowing we can rely on each other for anything.
Similarly, the first reading and the responsorial psalm remind me… God is my refuge and my strength, not my experience of God, but God alone. This learning is helping me to be more attentive to my daily ups and downs, distractions, times of focus, peace, tiredness, and rest. And while the rollercoaster continues, something small, something deeper, has slightly shifted. While I do not know yet, what this means or what if anything it will turn into. I’m encouraged that the disciples too didn’t know what their life would be like after Jesus was no longer physically with them…. and I think they turned out alright. May we trust that God is at work in our lives and our hearts and remain open to His love.
What shifts or stirrings have you noticed in yourself this Lenten season?
Joan Ervin