Diverging or Converging Paths
"Surely it is not I, Rabbi?" - Matthew 26:25
In the Gospel today, Jesus foretells the betrayal of one of his disciples. Judas, his betrayer, directly says to Jesus' face "Surely it is not I, Rabbi?". This is a shuddering account given what we know what happens next. I've heard different interpretations as to why Judas betrayed Jesus. Perhaps he was attempting to “force Jesus to show his power” or perhaps he was just angry Jesus hadn't "saved" the Jewish people from Roman oppression, or perhaps Judas was just succumbing to his vice… greed for money. Whatever the truth is, to some level each represents a lack of trust, discipline, and a giving into temptation. Unlike the first reading, I can find myself undisciplined at times, not praying or spending enough time with God, getting frustrated with others, getting frustrated with God and doing selfish or self-serving things. These things are in some ways dangerously close to the vices that plagued Judas. Yet on other days I am very disciplined and eager to do the “right” thing.
This eagerness to do and please those whom I look up to, admire, or desire to be more like can dampen my natural inclination to better understand why I'm doing things. My natural inclination in a professional sense is to understand the underlying intent of something, encouraging me to frequently poke at the "why" of what I'm asked to do, what others are asked to do, etc. This posture serves me well in arriving at a deeper understanding which enables flexibility in how something might get done or accomplished or to identify the risks to the real intent not being accomplished. Understanding intent strengthens my discipline, trust, and helps me resist temptations. But in my personal and spiritual life I've often wavered in my discipline of questioning and therefore grasping intent. Sometimes it is easier to just "say yes" and do as I'm told. Throughout the Gospels we frequently saw the disciples do what they were told, trusting that there was a greater purpose that they might one day understand.
I find myself confused about which path is best, struggling to find the right balance between both approaches of doing what I'm told or questioning to more deeply understand. Perhaps this could be because God is inviting me into both. In the yes of just following him or "doing what I'm told", perhaps he is inviting me to trust him as a child does a parent. And in the no of questioning and probing to understand more deeply he is inviting me to know him more fully.
As we approach the Triduum later this week I realize I’m not really ready. There was so much I didn’t do, so much I didn’t dive into during this Lenten season. Just as the disciples will soon be surprised by Jesus’ Passion, feeling as though there was still so much to do. But perhaps God’s plans are always the right timing, accounting for where we are and helping us move forward. In most things in life I find God’s timing to be too slow, but in matters of my readiness for him I seem to be too slow. Perhaps though, he knows that, he knows that even when we think we aren’t ready, he helps push us forward, helps us get “unstuck”.
Are you feeling ready to move forward with God as this Lenten season winds to a close? What do you need to let go of? What questions do you need to bring to God to know him more deeply? What do you need to do to demonstrate your trust in Him?
Joan Ervin